My Year of the Tiger
by Stormkpr
Summary: The X-men have undergone a very difficult year. Jubilee reflects on it. Most of my usual pairings are here: Romy, RoLo, a little bit of Jott. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**My Year of The Tiger**

**November 2010**

**_Author's Notes:_**

_Like all my X-men fanfic, this one is generally based on the characters as they appear in "X-men: The Animated Series". It uses XTAS and its events as canon. No copyright infringement is intended and I sure as heck aren't making any money off of fanfic._

_I wanted to try something in a different direction than most of the X-men fic I've written, so here is my latest offering._

_This one is narrated by Jubilee. The character Dark Star appears in here, who you recall had been in the XTAS episode "Red Dawn"._

_Thank you to Jo the Phoenix for beta testing._

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**My Year of the Tiger by Jubilation Lee**

Last year was a hellish piece of crap. Today's New Year's Day and I'm supposed to be hung over after an awesome party. I'm hung over all right but no one here at the mansion was celebrating. There were plenty of people getting drunk, and if depression leads people to drink then it's a miracle we haven't needed a 12 step-group here already.

I don't get it. I joined the X-men when I was fifteen – which was pretty much five whole years ago now - and it never was easy, but it never thought things would get this bad either.

I spent most of my teenage years fighting Sentinels, creeps like Mr Sinister, slightly less bad creeps like Magneto, scary-ass creeps like Apocalypse, the lowest of the low like the FOH, weird people like Mystique, and a ton more. So yeah, it wasn't easy at all but there were plenty of things that kept it from sucking. I had Wolverine. I had a group of people who acted like a family and who were always there for each other – well, yeah, most of the time. I had a more interesting life than most teenagers and I never had to feel like I didn't belong somewhere.

Then it all went to hell.

I don't know where to start. But I did begin writing a blog last year. I've been keeping the entries private – no one knows about this thing but me. I spent the last few days going through my entries and organizing them. Jean always used to say that the holidays made her "more reflective" and that she liked thinking about the previous year, what she's learned, and what to hope for in the new one. But Jean's gone now, which is where our troubles began.

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January

I learned that an entire team can walk around in stunned silence for a month.

When Jean had left, years ago, with the Phoenix, we'd held her memorial service outdoors. This time we had to have the funeral inside; it was too cold.

There was no doubt that she was dead once and for all. We had the body. Lilandra's Shi'ar stuff didn't help at all.

Jean's parents made the arrangements, which worked well since Cyclops was in a fog and none of the rest of us were much better.

Her parents were angry. I remember that. They thought that after what Jean went through with the Phoenix, nothing could hurt their daughter now. They couldn't believe that her death was so – god, how do I put it? – meaningless. That's what it was, totally totally meaningless. A random shot by a Sentinel during a battle. How many times did we go up against the Sentinels? Maybe after the whole Phoenix thing, we thought that if any of us was going to die, it would be for a good cause like saving the galaxy. Not during a routine battle to stop rampaging Sentinels from terrorizing a village on the other end of the planet. So I guess we all were angry but Jean's parents expressed it the most.

I learned that I can sit through a funeral service inside a church with my eyes glazing over, watching it all like I'm in a dream. I learned that I could feel the January cold get inside me and realize it's never going away.

What else do I remember from that day? I didn't write much in the blog. After the funeral I remember standing outside the mansion near the gate, taking my glove off and touching my hand against the metal. It felt kinda good.

I know that after the funeral some of us sat around the fireplace and had a toast in Jean's honor but I can't remember anything from that other than the red sweater that Colossus wore and that Bobby put his arm around me. I remember that Dark Star – who'd joined us last year – cried softly even though she'd known Jean least well of all of us.

I remember that I couldn't look at Cyclops. I hadn't seen him much since Jean's death anyway. I know that Beast and Storm and Rogue and the Professor would go into his room and try to talk to him and try to help. He must've also thought that after the Phoenix business that the X-men were untouchable. Maybe that after everything he and Jean had been through, more bad luck couldn't possibly have been due to them. When I did glance at Cyclops, he looked like hell but I guess I don't even need to say it.

Oh, I know, one more thing that I remember. I remember that I didn't cry this time like I did during Jean's first memorial (you know, the Phoenix one years ago). Did I feel proud about that? I'm not sure.

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More to come soon – **TO BE CONTINUED**

Feedback is always welcomed.


	2. February

**February**

I wrote more in February so I can tell you a bit better what happened then.

Oh, first thing I wanted to say is that this year is the Chinese Year of the Tiger. Last year I started learning more about my ethnic background, something I wanted to do for a while since I never related to it or thought much about being Chinese or Chinese-American or whatever. With it being the year of the tiger, we're supposed to see bravery, we're supposed to see friendliness and loving but also selfishness and short-temperedness. Tigers are impulsive, living dangerously which always leads to trouble.

Which is great, but mostly this year is starting out to be the year of suckwads.

First thing I remember from February is sitting with the Professor – we all were in serious need of therapy – and him suggesting that I look for one good thing that happened and write about it. Though I gotta say that the Professor himself sure looked like he needed to follow his own advice.

The only good thing I can think about in February is that life at the mansion started to get back to normal. As close to normal as could possibly be given the giant hole in our hearts. A new bad guy appeared with some crazy plot but the team hunted him down and got him. Well, minus Cyclops who as far as we could tell now lived inside his room. But I think everyone else couldn't wait for a battle. They were "overripe" for one, the word Beast used. I did my part and fought well, but that was the usual for me.

Even though it was the norm for me, after the battle I wanted Wolverine to tell me what a great job I did. He used to always do that, at least pat me on the back or something. He didn't say anything this time though, but I cut him slack. He still loved Jean – okay, a "duh" statement if there was one but there it is. So you can't expect him to act normal.

It was maybe a day or two after that battle that I realized that Wolverine was distant and not getting any less distant. I didn't expect him to be happy and light-hearted - none of us were – but I didn't think he'd stay so distant. I started to think that he wasn't going to act more like himself any time soon. I brushed that thought aside though since I didn't want to like dwell on it.

Something else happened that month. It had now been almost a year since Bobby Drake had returned to us – permanently, he'd said and it sure looked that way since he didn't seem like he wanted to go anywhere else. He and Hank were always hanging out and having fun. You didn't see a lot of smiles around the mansion lately but you could tell those guys were close friends, which was good since it would help keep Bobby here.

I always, always liked Bobby. I liked him when he returned to us for a few days those years ago, and I liked him more now.

Was it bad of me to be thinking about a guy so soon after Jean's death? But like I said, I always liked Bobby. I was as devastated as everyone else over Jean, which maybe meant a distraction would be even more needed.

But this wasn't just a distraction for me. I really liked him. For a second, I thought of asking Storm or Rogue for some tips here. But I didn't want Rogue teasing me and I never did approach Storm. The only other women here now are Psylocke who I gotta say I never have bonded with and Dark Star who I still didn't know that well, so I went about this by myself.

There were other young guys on the team, I know - Colossus and Cannonball, but I wasn't interested in either one.

I put more make-up on than usual. I bought some high heels. I found a time when Bobby was alone, on the back porch.

I remember everything that I said but I sure as hell ain't gonna write it out here. It was lame. No, lame doesn't even begin to cut it. He didn't realize I was asking him out on a date. When I first suggested going somewhere, he starts to get up and see if Hank wants to come. Then I sink even lower and nearly throw myself at him. I made even more of an ass of myself. The worst part was when I said, "I'm asking you on a date, you idiot!" Real smooth.

Bobby laughed.

Then he composed himself real quick, maybe he figured out fast that I hadn't been joking. He took my hands in his and said that I was a beautiful young woman, blah blah blah but he didn't feel that way about me. He said someday I'd make some lucky guy happy, blah blah blah. Then it gets worse when Gambit enters the porch, but fortunately he beats it when he figures out what's going on. Great. Now Rogue's going to know about my disgrace too.

The next few weeks it's really awkward whenever I'm in the same room with Bobby. Maybe Cyclops has the right idea, staying by himself all day.

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TO BE CONTINUED - next month coming soon

Your feedback is very much appreciated.


	3. March

**March**

The suckwad stuff continued into March. One night I couldn't sleep. I lay in bed, tossing and turning for hours. Then I decided, screw it – I'd get up and get some cereal, maybe some hot chocolate, whatever.

So I go down and see that someone's sobbing inside the kitchen. It's quiet but it's definitely tears. I can't decide what to do. Maybe I went in just out of curiosity more than anything. It's Storm.

Right away, I know what Storm's crying about. She's crying about Wolverine.

So here's the thing. Wolverine's always been like my Uncle or whatever and maybe because of that, I kinda try to not pay attention to his love life. I never had a crush on him or anything like that. Psylocke once made a comment about how I "must be the only female who doesn't at least wonder about Wolverine's romantic side – and bedroom side". I guess she's right cuz honestly? My first reaction when I heard that was "Eww".

So yeah, I kinda almost ignore what goes on in his love life. I'm not blind either, so I can tell you what everyone else in the mansion knows. He and Storm started getting close last year. Why after all this time, I don't know. I mean, they always got along well and always totally respected each other and liked each other but I don't if there was one thing that made them start up together. I know they went camping last summer just the two of them, and stuff was definitely different after they returned.

But then Jean died.

I maybe would've thought that Jean's death would've made things easier, gotten rid of the one thing that kept Wolverine from being able to totally go with Storm. (I don't mean to sound like a cold jerk in writing that – you know I love Jean like we all do). But it looks like that didn't happen at all. Watching Storm cry in the kitchen, I heard this voice inside tell me what I already knew: Wolverine was falling apart inside and he was dragging his new relationship with Storm down too.

I put my hand on Storm's shoulder and whispered, "Can I do anything?"

She turned to me with puffy eyes. She looked disappointed and I figured right away that she was wishing I was Wolverine. I also knew that much as Storm loved me, she wasn't going to pour her heart out to me. I may've been nineteen but half the team was going to never see me as any older than the day they first rescued me from the Sentinels.

So anyway, I could also see another emotion take over Storm's face. She went from disappointment to embarrassment. "No, Jubilee," she said. "Thank you but I will be fine." She got up and was out of there in like two seconds.

I didn't sleep again that night. The next few days (or maybe weeks) I didn't see Storm and Wolverine together, didn't have to pretend to not notice them slipping out for a long weekend together. There was nothing to ignore now.

I felt bad, like there was nothing I could do, like no one wanted to confide in me, and like the X-men were falling apart.

TO BE CONTINUED - Please review


	4. April

**April**

By April, Cyclops was slowly coming out of his shell. The Professor and Storm were still leading the missions and the team but we started to see Cyclops more often. The FOH made a few appearances, and Cyclops joined us one of the times we fought them back.

As bad as things were, we all still tried to have dinner together a few times each week and Cyclops would be at more and more of these now. He'd been thin after Jean died – like too thin – but I noticed a bit more color on his face and thought maybe he'd put on a few pounds.

April was a weird month because each time I saw Cyclops, I knew something was going on and then it kinda dawned on me what it was. There wasn't one moment when I realized it but the idea just slowly entered my mind over the days and weeks. He and Dark Star were, um, "an item". They were subtle about it. I saw them once, in the garage of all places, just sitting and talking. And then I saw them more and more together.

So what's when the bottom dropped out.

I don't know if Wolverine found out about it from overhearing something or from smelling something or what. Do I need to write out his reaction? "Jean ain't cold in her grave!" he yelled. Among other much worse stuff.

He punched Cyclops. The Professor had to physically separate them to prevent a fight.

It was like all this progress they'd made over the years was gone. They'd been getting along so much better than at first, Cyke and Wolverine. They hated each other at first but over time it got totally obvious that they came to respect each other. Maybe they'd almost liked each other, I don't know.

But on that day, one of the things Wolverine yelled at Cyclops was, "I lost all respect for you, bub."

It gets worse. Wolverine left. Packed a bag and left.

I don't remember much else about April because I spent the rest of the month crying. I have vague memories of Bobby and Hank trying to take me out for ice cream, Rogue trying to come in and talk with me, the Professor asking that we have "a session". But mostly I remember watching the front entryway for a Wolverine who never returned and feeling my chest hurting from crying.

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TO BE CONTINUED


	5. May

May

This is the longest Wolverine's been away from the X-men. I'm not going to chase him down like I did last time he split and went to Japan. We're all suffering here, Wolverine. Life sucks for each and every last one of us. Screw you for leaving when it gets hard.

The Professor is "in periodic contact with Wolverine," as he put it. The Professor is "respectful of his desire to be apart from us now".

The days and weeks go by and I start to realize he's not coming back. I've long since stopped sitting by the entryway. Beast talks about going after him but I don't think he ever does, and I'm not going to either. Especially since the Professor tells us that Wolverine isn't in any danger or anything like that.

We were busy this month too. I don't even remember which bad guys it was. I know Magneto paid Xavier a visit in there somewhere but they avoided a fight.

So one day I decided that I did need to talk to someone. Rogue and I ended up at a bar, me with my fake ID. But the Wolverine leaving thing still hurt too much so that's not what I started to talk about.

"What is the deal with Cyclops?" I asked.

Rogue shook her head. "I can't blame Wolverine for being pissed. He was right – Jean ain't yet cold in her grave."

"So then why does he go after Dark Star so soon?" I asked, definitely wanting the conversation to move away from Wolverine.

Rogue shrugged. "The way I see it, either one of two things. He's gotta be in so much pain that he needs something to take his mind off of it. Cyke ain't much of a drinker, so he's looking for another way to forget about her."

I swirled my long island iced tea with the thin straw. My head buzzed a bit, but I was aware enough to realize that Rogue was on at least her third gin and tonic. Her voice had a very slight slur to it.

"What's your other idea?" I asked.

"Well, I guess some folks just don't like to be alone. I always had the impression that Cyke would never stay single for long if something happened to Jean. I thought about that during the Phoenix thing. He needs to have a lady in his life."

"Are a lot of guys like that?" I asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Rogue said, sounding exasperated.

At that point, two guys come up to us and hit on us. Rogue politely told them we weren't interested. I could tell she was tipsy but to someone who didn't know her, she still came across as tough. My heart sped up – I really didn't want a fight – but fortunately the guys were cool and left us alone.

"So how are things with you and Gambit?" I asked. Asking this made me feel mature. I was still hurting from Storm's brush off in the kitchen a few months ago. But Rogue was treating me like an adult all during our bar trip, so I asked her an adult question.

And oh yeah, I should give you the background on Rogue and Gambit. Unlike my attitude when it comes to Wolverine's love life, I haven't been turning a blind eye to Rogue and Gambit's. I guess 'cause my relationship with them is different and also maybe 'cause I've always been interested in how Rogue deals with her powers. Who wouldn't be? She can't touch anyone. Plenty of guys would kill to be with her – unlike me who can't get Bobby or anyone remotely interested – but she couldn't touch even the one she loves. Plus I've always liked Gambit, but not in **that** way. So anyway, I knew what had been going on with them.

They were a couple and had been for a while. I knew from like ages ago that they were crazy about each other. As for the sex thing, Rogue actually confided in me, Jean, and Storm once when we had a girls' night out. She and Gambit did stuff together. From what she said, I think they played with themselves, together. I think they also used plastic wrap and stuff like that to touch each other through a barrier. But they'd been finding ways to make it work.

Which is why Rogue's answer surprised me. "I don't know," she said. She then signaled the bartender for another one.

"What do you mean?" Now my chest was beating with fear. The absolute last thing on this planet that the X-men needed was another break-up, desertion, or broken heart. Please god, no, I said. I silently promised I'd go to church with Nightcrawler every Sunday if it would keep them together.

Rogue crumpled up a cocktail napkin and looked at her new drink. "You know, when we first started this thing, my biggest worry was that Remy'd lose interest! That he'd get tired of having a girl he couldn't touch, that he'd go find someone else."

I sat quietly and took another sip.

Rogue went on. "He's been awfully darn creative over the years. He's found every way for us to do just 'bout everything we can without touching."

She was quiet for a while, so I had to prompt her. "And?"

She sighed. "I think he's gettin' tired of it. Don't get me wrong, he's as much the gentleman as always. He's as sweet to me as the day we first got together, makes me feel like a princess. But I think he's startin' to really want to do it the normal way. Do it without reams of plastic between us and without worrying all the time about the sheet or the plastic or the whatever slippin' and causing me to hurt him. It'd be darn nice to kiss for real once, too."

"What makes you think he's tired? Has he said something to you?" I wasn't glad to hear Rogue's words but I was glad that she was still treating me like someone the same age as her.

"Nah, he ain't said anything. But. A few times he ain't been gettin' it up, somethin' I never thought I'd live to see."

"Well, maybe that happens to everyone once in a while. Have you asked him how he feels?" Being treated like an adult made adult questions flow better.

"Oh, you know Remy. Everything's always great with him. Been learning that he hides his pain, way deep down. Been learnin' that there's a bottomless well of hurt inside him. God, I wanna do what I can to make it all better but I can't even make love to him properly or do what a woman should!"

Another guy came up to us and hit on Rogue. She brushed him off. This one was more persistent so it took a while. By the time it was just me and Rogue again, I couldn't get her to talk about this more.

Around the end of the month, Wolverine sends me a post card. Hank brings it to my room and mentions that he got one too. I don't remember all of what it said. Stuff about him being sorry, stuff about me always being special to him but that he just had to get away from Cyclops and can't come back now, if ever. At first I was real pissed off when I got it but then I remembered what Rogue said about cutting someone some slack and I tried to. I tried.

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TO BE CONTINUED

Reviews are welcomed


	6. June

**June**

I remember hitting the swimming pool that sunny and warm month and feeling like – well, like I wasn't happy but more just kinda resigned. The fact that Jean wasn't going to rise from the dead had settled in. (Yeah, silly I know but I guess part of me must've been hoping it. She came back once before you know.) I knew Wolverine wasn't coming back anytime soon, if at all. Even if he did return, I'd be so mad at him that I wouldn't talk to him.

A few others joined me in the pool that day. Storm was there and she always looked so calm and, you know, like everything was fine. Maybe she was just fine. I wasn't sure if she'd been like crazy in love with Wolverine or not. I tried to talk to her once or twice but you know how that went, and maybe that's for the better.

Later on, Angel, Psylocke, Rogue, and Gambit hit the pool too. Psylocke's bathing suit showed everything except her nipples and – ahem – a crease or two, and I felt bad that I'd never be that hot looking. But at least these other X-men all seemed happy enough, just enough so you know the world wasn't really ending. Nightcrawler dived in just as I was leaving.

Then something happened later on that month. Hank, Bobby, and I decided to have another late-night movie night. We'd do that every so often, inside Hank's room. We'd eat microwaved popcorn, sit on Hank's sofa and watch something. Better yet, it was **my** turn to pick the movie which meant no stupid horror movie (Bobby) or foreign-language intellectual crap (Hank). I picked a romantic comedy, which made Bobby groan loudly but also smile.

I fell asleep during the movie. I didn't mean to but it just happened. I'm not sure how long I was out but I slowly came to. And then I was aware of something.

Bobby had been sitting in between Hank and me. Out of the corner of my groggy eye, I could tell that the two of them were now way closer to each other. Um, "closer" doesn't quite describe it. Bobby was practically on Hank's lap. I turned my head really really slightly and opened my eyes just a bit more. At first I thought I was dreaming. They were kissing. Like, two lovers. Bobby and Hank were kissing.

This was beyond weird. My instincts told me to yawn loudly and stretch, pretend like I was suddenly waking up. So I did, and the two of them instantly stopped their make out session.

I suppose I don't need to say that I don't remember any of the rest of the movie. All I could think of during the rest of it was that this was not what I expected. What about Hank's thing for Carly, and Bobby's for Lorna? But then again, far as I knew Hank hadn't had any contact with Carly for years and ditto the Bobby and Lorna thing. But still. Do people just change their orientations? You can just go from straight to gay?

And then as I thought about it more during the rest of the movie, more stuff kinda sank in. Hank had been so ecstatically happy when Bobby came back last year. Bobby's room was next to mine but I knew enough that he often wasn't inside of it. In fact, many times I'd figured, 'Well he must be with Hank.' Little did I know. During the rest of the movie that night, I tried to subtly look around Hank's room – I got up to use the bathroom once – and noticed that some clothes inside the room were Bobby's clothes. It was pretty easy to tell they wouldn't fit Hank!

At least this helped explain why Bobby wasn't interested in me. I had that as a consolation prize. It wasn't about me.

I kinda wanted to talk about this with one of them later on but kinda didn't. Maybe for Hank, it was the same thing with me and Wolverine's love life. I didn't want all the details. But part of me did. The X-men are a pretty open-minded bunch, sort of, but I couldn't think of any way to bring this up later on and it never came up.

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Remember that reviews are really an awesome thing.


	7. July

**July**

The Professor calls a meeting. He wants us to like all talk to each other more and do some "teamwork".

I look around the room. Everyone is there: Storm, Cyclops, Dark Star (she's always next to him) Rogue, Gambit, Beast, Bobby, Nightcrawler, Cannonball, Colossus, Psylocke, Angel, and me.

I don't mean to give the idea that I think it's a bad idea. Everyone else must realize we have a need because no one smirks or anything like that. Part of me wonders what took the Professor so long. This year has been weird, almost like moving through mud or wandering around in a daze. Jean's funeral that bitter cold day in January seems like just yesterday – really, it does - but you walk around outside where it's sunny and sticky and you realize that a chunk of time has passed. But it all went by way, way fast.

The session isn't bad at all. People talk. The Professor asks them what it means to be an X-man and what they think the X-men can and should do. He asks them to talk about where they are at personally and what their own long-term goals are.

Like I said, it wasn't bad. It got people talking.

It seems to me that when Cyclops first started up with Dark Star, a lot of people had Wolverine's reaction but now more were cutting him slack like Rogue'd said. But I dunno, I think Cyclops was kinda dazed still too. I mean, he even sounded a little out of it when he talked. Storm and the Professor were still doing all the leadership stuff. I thought of how hard it's been for me realizing that Wolverine's not coming back, and that it had to be like 1,000 times worse for Scott since the one he loves isn't coming back either.

Storm never reveals too much about herself and certainly not how she feels about Wolverine. But she said she loved the work of the X-men and was as devoted as always. She said some other stuff that made me feel proud to be an X-man.

So what else from the meeting? Not much else, Rogue and Gambit looked happy next to each other. Rogue and I had had another bar visit recently but we didn't talk about anything new.

Speaking of bars, something else happened later on in July. That's what I really wanted to write about. Then again, maybe I don't want to write about it. It was something I planned. I was going to turn 20 towards the end of the month and I had my mind made up.

Neither Colossus nor Cannonball did anything for me, the guy I did like apparently preferred furry blue guys, so I was going to need to get away from the mansion if I wanted to try this.

I went by myself to a bar. I put the make-up back on and slipped into those uncomfortable high heels. I was tired of being a virgin and was feeling like the oldest one around. This thing that Rogue and Gambit wanted to do so badly, I decided to do it. See what all the fuss is about. Rogue's got one thing that I don't have – a man who loves her – but there is something I can get that she can't.

I sat by myself at the bar. For a while, nothing happened. I wanted to get enough to drink that I wouldn't be uptight but I didn't want to be totally drunk either. So I drank but slowly. The bar started to get crowded and the dance floor filled up. I got up to dance.

I'm a good dancer, and maybe that's what got them starting to notice me. I danced with a few different guys, and let one of them buy me a drink.

When I was sitting next to him at the bar, it was weird. I listened to him talk – and he did most of the talking – and I wanted to skip that part. Even wanted to tell him to shut up and let's get on with it. Not that he was all that attractive because he wasn't. He was kinda on the skinny side and his skin was icky, but he wasn't bad looking either.

But I guess the thing is, I knew this wasn't going to go anywhere, not going to turn into a relationship. Plenty of normal humans still hate us, so no point in wanting a relationship with this guy. I just wanted to get laid even though by that point I was more bored and anxious than horny. I tried to concentrate and think about what I felt when I saw a hot guy in a movie or what I used to feel when hanging out with Bobby. That helped a little, just tuning this guy out and thinking about stuff I liked.

I couldn't even tell you what all we – mostly he – talked about. But I remember the point where I said, "Let's go back to your place."

He got a look on his face like he won the lottery. Then off we went.

When I finally got back to my own room at the mansion, stripped off my clothes, threw myself in the shower and then collapsed under my covers, I realized something. The guys in the X-men had totally, totally spoiled me and left me unprepared for regular guys. You got the gallant Gambit, gentle Hank, sweet Bobby, the noble Professor. Even Wolverine and Cyclops, who deserved to be drop kicked but were still good guys just with broken hearts and messed up minds.

Yeah, so the guy I slept with? Not worth writing much about. He was terrible. It was an awful experience. His apartment was dirty and I felt filthy. I'd wanted it over with and I got it over with, though he was a little pissed when he found out I was a virgin. The whole thing was just gross. Should've stayed home with my little gadget that I bought one night when Rogue, Storm, Jean and I made a visit to this interesting place.

But yeah, not going to write anything more about it. I cried a lot the next day and even thought about asking the Professor to take a message to Wolverine for me, that I needed him. But I didn't. I was proud of myself for being so tough. And when I was done crying I went downstairs and went about my day like normal.

My birthday was later that month. The team threw a party for me. Wolverine sent a card, which made me want to cry again but I was so angry that I tossed it in the recycler. The next day I fished it out and put it in my dresser.


	8. August

**August**

My blog has been a real bitchfest, so I decided to follow something of what the Professor told me and to focus on the good stuff. So here are the good things that happened in August.

Dark Star took me out to dinner. She is incredibly nice and sweet. She's not as outgoing as Jean was and she's more like 'heavy' or serious than Jean. Like Jean was a sweet wine cooler but Dark Star is definitely a white Russian. Okay, been going to bars more than I should, but you get the picture. I can't help but to like Dark Star, but I have to stop comparing her to Jean.

I forgave Cyclops. Not that he asked me for it, but I know that Jean would want him to be happy. Heck, Jean was so kind-hearted and loving that she probably wouldn't even have been mad at him for pairing up with someone else so soon. Cyke and I even spent some time together the day the team had the picnic, and he sounded better when I talked with him.

I saved the day in a battle against Sinister. Yeah, Sinister. I've been fighting since I was 15 so none of this stuff is that big of a deal for me. Everyone told me how well I did afterwards.

What else happened outside of the mansion? Some big anti-mutant piece of legislation came up and it didn't make it out of committee in Washington. It came close but it didn't, which is good. The Professor and Storm were there to speak against it.

I put that bad experience at the bar out of my mind and didn't really think of it again. When I did think of it, it didn't bother me that much. Next time I'll be more picky and it'll be better.

Rogue and Gambit seem happy. She hasn't opened up to me again but she seems fine.

Hank and Bobby seem happy too. I'm still kinda weirded out at the thought of them being gay – not that I'm a homophobe! – it just wasn't what I expected for either one. I even kinda brought up the topic with Bobby. We didn't talk about it much but he just said how great Hank is and that he wished that he "hadn't taken so long to come back to the X-men and be with Hank."

The Professor told us that he's still in contact with Wolverine every now and then and that he's "as well as can be expected" and we shouldn't worry. I'm still angry at him and I don't know why I can forgive Cyclops but not Wolverine. Maybe because Cyclops never meant as much to me.

I wanted to talk with Storm about Wolverine and see what she thinks, but I didn't have the guts to approach her on this. She masks her feelings so well, I honestly don't know if she's just like disappointed or if she's heartbroken. Well, maybe given the way she cried that one night I do know the answer.

How's that for my not-as-depressing entry?

TO BE CONTINUED SOON


	9. September

**September**

Shit shit shit shit.

Pregnant. How could I be so stupid?

That's the worst part. That anyone would judge me and maybe they'd be right. I knew what I was doing, I knew what could happen, I even had thought about bringing a condom but I didn't. When I was in the guy's crappy apartment, I wanted it over so fast that I didn't ask if he had one. I made the decision to take my chances. I'd figured what were the odds, especially with it being my first time?

I decided what to do next really quick. I'm not bringing a baby into this world. I don't know if I want to have one ever, but especially not now. I'm 20, have no boyfriend or husband, and I have this full-time job where I go into battle a lot and risk my life. Kids in general are okay but I don't exactly love them either and aren't going to be able to give the attention to one that they need to grow up good. Besides, I **was** an unwanted child, and you think that's fun? Sorry, no, a baby doesn't work here.

Storm took me to the abortion clinic. I never thought of going to anyone but her. She doesn't share her own problems with you, but she will listen and help with yours anytime, and you can trust that no one else will ever hear of it.

Protestors were outside the clinic, holding disgusting images. Was I really killing someone? I later learned that the fetus was about the size of a grape. Was it murder? All I know is that me bringing someone into the world would be a disaster for both me and for the baby. The pictures did bother me and I vomited as soon as we entered the reception area.

But it didn't change anything. Storm took me back a few days, after the required waiting period. She had asked me if I wanted to talk more about this, and she respected that I really didn't. So we went, we had to look at the protestors and their pictures a second time. She held my hand. I wondered if she was silently cursing Wolverine for not being here. I tried to ask her the next day when she checked in on me in my room but she changed the subject.


	10. October

**October**

October was a big month, and I learned a lot. The main thing I learned is that my life doesn't really suck that much.

There was an uprising on Genosha. Well, duh there's an uprising – you enslave a bunch of mutants, you can't expect them to be happy about it. It's been a slow burn all these years thinking about how bad mutants on Genosha have it. We were asked to go in and "mediate". We basically said, yeah, we'll help put down the uprising but only if Genoshan mutants and us get a seat at the table during the peace talks, get some basic rights for Genoshan mutants on the books, get some human rights inspectors and us to make regular visits, get some serious sanctions on Genosha this time if they don't comply.

It was a great mission for us because we always wanted to "do something" about Genosha but our hands have been tied, and we usually have had bigger problems to deal with. We were finally being invited to deal with it.

We were there for most of the month and are still there. It was weird going again after all these years. All this stuff just kinda sank in, stuff that didn't when I was there before. I don't know why – maybe 'cause I was only 15, maybe 'cause what happened there the first time all happened so fast that once I was out of there I didn't want to think about it again.

I saw people who had no freedom and no reason for hope. They worked all day every day and had no happiness in their lives. I saw people who lost their whole families. Me, I only lost two members of my family but I have so many others who care about me. Even if one of the ones who I lost is the one I love the most and the one who could chose to be here if he wanted. If he could deal with his own jealousy and anger and grief.

But that's besides the point. It hit me that I was pretty lucky even if I sometimes still messed up and referred to Jean like she was still alive and then felt a stab of pain that she was gone. Even if I did dumb things or was jealous of other people.

Within our first few days there, we got our hands on some Genoshan collars. I guess I don't have to tell you what that means for Rogue and Gambit. That should be a separate story, maybe Rogue likes to blog too and is also posting this somewhere private or under another name. So let me just say that whenever they could, they flew out of Genosha and to the mansion. When they couldn't, they spent as much time as they could in their tent. I hope **they** remembered birth control.

I overheard them once, during one of the nights in the tents, and I covered my ears but then just let myself overhear. I still can't figure out if I'm jealous and despairing that I don't have a love like that or hopeful that I'm still young and you never know what'll happen.

But with the way this year is going, we X-men just can't cut any breaks. I thought I heard about there being some Chinese proverb which says basically - with the good comes the bad. Or vice versa. Basically the idea that it's never great all the time, there is always some bitterness. So that's what happened again for us.

With Rogue and Gambit being so like starry-eyed and lustful and such? It led to a lapse during a battle. Rogue was supposed to be covering Hank but she was distracted – and Hank got shot. It was a direct hit.

Everyone's heart stopped. After Jean, was/is anyone more loved by the group than Hank? And worse than that, **he's** our doctor!

Nightcrawler teleported him to a small hospital back in New York. The same one that had taken care of Jean during the Phoenix thing years ago, and where we knew they were mutant-friendly even though Hank's old friend didn't work there anymore. The rest of us were teleported back there as soon as the battle was over.

The hospital staff wouldn't let us inside his room. We were told that he had to have surgery right away if he was to survive. They didn't have a prognosis for him and couldn't tell us more until his surgery was over. We had to wait, and they showed us to the waiting room.

We were all a wreck, with nothing to do but sit there and wait, no idea if Hank would live or die. And we had to hope that this place was still mutant-friendly and wouldn't treat him like a freak because he looks different.

Bobby was practically hyperventilating. He was literally in a panic. The Professor went over to him, grasped his hand, and did some breathing exercises with him to try to calm him down. It worked. Bobby got more calm, but he also was a wreck. His face was red, his hands were shaking, and he paced around. I don't know which X-men had known about him and Hank beforehand and which didn't, but given Bobby's reaction everyone could figure it out then if they hadn't known.

Bobby let me put an arm around him, which was nice. It felt nice to sorta be able to comfort someone even though I was a mess myself.

More time passed and we had no news. Hours went by and it was really hard to just wait. Dark Star went out to bring us food, but most of us couldn't eat it.

Bobby got worse again. "What if they aren't doing their best on him because he's a mutant?" he screeched at one point. He then went on to tell the Professor that he should enter the doctors' minds and telepathically convince them that they better do their best or else.

If Jean had been here, she totally would've been able to soothe him. She could do that to anyone. I got up and kinda massaged Bobby's shoulders and told him to breathe again like the Professor had. I said that Hank had always liked this hospital, and that they treated both Jean and Storm well here the times they had to be here.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Cyclops flinch when I had said Jean's name.

And still more time passed. We got excited every time we heard footsteps but it was never for us. Gambit finally succeeded in getting Bobby to play cards, which had to have helped.

I did hear at one point, Psylocke say something to Bobby. She said it quietly and I'm not sure how many overheard, but she said, "I had no idea you and Hank were so close." I really didn't want to think this and didn't want to believe it, but it sounded like there was something underhanded and false in her tone of voice even though the voice also sounded sweet. I kinda wanted to slap her but Bobby didn't respond much and then the doctor was there.

We were told that Hank "survived the surgery". He said that Hank would be "in critical care" and that there were "no guarantees he'd make it" and he had no idea when or if Hank would regain consciousness. We couldn't visit him yet but they would notify us as soon as we could.

The Professor suggested that "going home and getting some sleep" would be a good idea. But I knew Bobby wouldn't leave, in case Hank's condition changed. Most of the others gradually headed out but the Professor and I stayed with Bobby.

"Go home and get some rest, Bobby," the Professor said to him.

"There's no point in trying to convince me to leave," Bobby said. "Besides, I won't get any sleep whether I'm at the mansion or here. And I have to be here if things change."

We tried to convince him to go since Nightcrawler could teleport him back and forth at any time, but Bobby was stubborn. I was too, and told them I was staying.

We were both exhausted so we didn't talk much, just sat together. Sometimes we held hands - anyone passing by might've thought we were a couple. I'm not sure that I was awake the whole time.

I said I was pissed that Wolverine wasn't here, and that he and Hank had been good friends. Bobby reminded me that Wolverine had no way of knowing Hank was in this condition, but I said that the Professor could reach him. Bobby said that maybe the Professor had forgotten; "the old guy's had a lot on his head."

So what can I say about the rest of October? We were eventually allowed inside Hank's room and he eventually woke up. When it became obvious that he was going to pull through I said a silent prayer and I felt really lucky, like there is a lot of good in this world.

When Hank woke up, sitting around his bed were the Professor, Bobby, me, Cyclops, Storm, Rogue, and Gambit. Bobby was holding his hand. There was a lot of cheering and hugging and people thanking the heavens when Hank opened his eyes. He was horribly groggy and out of it and I'm not sure what he was even aware of. I had this wonderful warm feeling, from Hank being awake and also it came from inside the people in the room.

By the time the month ended, we knew he'd survive even though he'd be in the hospital for a while, and physical therapy after that. One day I went to visit him after having spent the day in Genosha. Hank handed me a flower. He said that Wolverine had been there that day and that Wolverine had said to give this to me. Back in Genosha, I was sharing a tent with Storm and I saw an identical flower in our garbage.


	11. November

**November**

Colossus left the X-men. He didn't do it the way Wolverine did though, didn't just pack and leave. Colossus told the Professor first, then announced it to everyone, and we had a small farewell party for him at a restaurant. Everyone was there except for Hank since he's still in the hospital and Bobby, who rarely ever leaves Hank's side. I hugged Colossus goodbye.

He didn't say why he was leaving, other than that he needed a rest from battle and was needed back in his homeland. From the news, it looked like civil war was going to break out in Russia.

Rogue and I talked one day, on a rare occasion she and Gambit weren't in their room together or their tent in Genosha. (What's going on in Genosha is totally long-term. The fighting is mostly over but we'll be there a while to oversee what we committed to – the negotiations, ensuring mutants get some basic rights in place, putting an end to any fighting and battles that do pop up).

Rogue suggested we get away from the mansion and have some fun. We went to the same mall where she, Gambit, and Storm rescued me five years ago. We did a bit of shopping and then stopped to get smoothies.

"So what is the deal with Colossus leaving?" I asked. I figured that being Gambit's girl, Rogue knows a lot about what's going on. Because Gambit's always in the know.

"Well, I sure as heck don't buy his story about wanting a rest from battle while being needed in his homeland. What does he think he's gonna be **doing** in Russia except battle?"

"Yeah," I said. "So what is it? Is it just that being an X-men is so intense that it's not for everyone?"

"Maybe. I sure can't imagine being anywhere else – this is my family and I know you feel the same. But we're all different." She paused. "Some folks wonder if he's jealous that Dark Star didn't go for him instead of Cyclops, them both being Russian," she threw out.

I thought about it. "I can't really buy that," I said. "Dark Star and Cyclops have been together for months now. Since like April at least. Why'd he be upset about that now?"

Then I looked more closely at Rogue. She knew the reason. Whatever it was, I could tell from her face she knew it. So I basically told her to spill the beans. "Come on," I said. "I know you know it. Talk."

"Well….," Rogue began. "Let's just say that Colossus was heard making a comment, words to the effect that he thinks homosexuality is wrong, it's against his beliefs, and he doesn't want to be on a team with 'two of them.'"

I nearly dropped my smoothie. "No. No frickin' way. A mutant's got no business being a bigot. That makes us no better than FOH."

Rogue shrugged. "We ain't perfect human beings, Jubilee. All us mutants got flaws. If we were perfect then Wolverine would never have left, and Cyclops would be single." She took a breath and added, "And I wouldn't have been all worried about Remy leaving me, Psylocke would be a bit more pleasant, Storm might even open up to us once in a while – and a million other things. We all got our flaws, sugar."

"But…prejudice? Against a person because of the way they are? Aren't people always telling us that the way we're born is evil and all wrong? How'd you hear this, anyway?"

"I have my sources."

I knew that's all I'd get out of her on that. I didn't want to believe what she said about Colossus. I decided that I wasn't going to make up my mind on this just yet and that I'd think instead there's a good chance that information is just plain wrong. Though I couldn't think of another reason I could buy either.

"So…I guess I don't even need to ask, but I take it things are good with Gambit?" I asked.

"Sugar, they couldn't be any better," she said, and her smile was like the most content I've ever seen.

Hank got released a few days before Thanksgiving, which was awesome. Despite Colossus having left, despite what was going on in Genosha, despite my fading hope that Wolverine would drop by (why would I think that? He hates holidays) – hell, despite **everything** this year, I felt good.

Realizing that Jean wouldn't be here to cook as she did every holiday was hard. We still had Gambit who adored cooking. The only other person on our team who loved cooking was – Dark Star. So it was hard to glance inside the kitchen and sample the dishes as they were being made without making the obvious comparison. Dark Star was the way she always is: serious, quiet, caring, efficient.

Thanksgiving dinner was good. The Professor asked us each to talk about what we were thankful for, and it didn't go corny at all. It actually was really, really touching and as I drank my spiced cider I felt very grateful.


	12. December

**December**

Rogue and Gambit announced their engagement. We had a party for them and it was really cool. Moira and Banshee flew in to be at the engagement party, and Forge was there too which maybe was weird since he never struck me as much of a partier but whatever. It was nice to have another celebration. Bobby and I decorated the place. There was music and I danced until way late, and was like drenched by the end of the party. The other ones who like to dance are Rogue, Gambit, Bobby, Psylocke and Angel. We need more parties like this.

Though I kinda wondered why Rogue and Gambit needed to wait until they had their hands on a Genoshan collar before they'd get engaged.

We got closer and closer to Christmas. One thing we started doing many years ago around this time of year is going through the pictures on the fireplace's mantel and kinda rotating them. Taking some out of storage and back on the mantel, putting last year's pictures in storage, taking some new pictures and putting them up.

So one evening I was in the fireplace room with Cyclops and Nightcrawler – the fire was burning and sometimes some of us like to just sit there and watch it at night, hearing the crackling and feeling the warmth. We got to talking about the pictures.

Cyclops got up and picked up a picture of just him and Jean. No one had been about to remove it last year.

"I still love her," he said. "I will always love her." His voice was so quiet that it was hard to hear, but I'm sure that's what he said.

And wow, there was so much pain in this voice that I felt it for him.

"Love never dies," Nightcrawler said in his soft, soothing voice. "Love is eternal."

I got up and hugged Cyclops, and the three of us didn't say much else. We sat back down and watched the fire.

But then not too long after that, I was talking with Rogue; she was so excited about her engagement that she didn't talk about much else. She said that rumor had it that now that we're almost at the one-year anniversary of Jean's death, Cyclops and Dark Star will announce their own engagement soon. And after all the empathy I felt for Scott when he looked at Jean's picture that night, I also felt cold when I heard that. Maybe it's not true.

Hank's been healing pretty well but he's still not well enough to go back into battle or the Danger Room – good thing it's been a quiet month. We had another movie night in Hank's room. Although when Bobby and I were planning the movie night, I'd made sure to say, "your and Hank's room" since it's obvious that's what it was.

So we had our movie night, I stayed awake the whole time, and then we talked while chewing the last of the popcorn, the small pieces and the kernels. I wanted to say something funny so I said, "If you guys want to make out, I'm totally good with that."

They looked at each other and maybe blushed a bit. Hank finally said, "I – uh – apologize for our lack of manners that evening you succumbed to slumber."

"Hey, no need to apologize. I'm glad you two have each other."

They looked at each other. Bobby then said, "We didn't expect this to happen. This is, you know, new for us. But we're really happy together."

"I can tell," I said. "It's totally cool. And um, it must be nice, Bobby, to have someone furry during these winter nights."

"Yeah, it is now but in July it wasn't so great. Had to sleep with a fan right over me." He paused and then asked, "What about you? When are we gonna hear about you having a boyfriend? I still think Cannonball likes you."

"Don't go there. I'm fine being single."

I was half telling the truth and half not. I wanted something like Rogue and Gambit had. I felt bad like there was something wrong with me for being single all these years, even though I knew in my head there really was nothing wrong with me. And I also was okay with my love life being nonexistent too, even though that's totally a contradiction from what I just wrote.

Pretty soon it was Christmas Eve. We did some traditional things. We visited the Morlocks like we now do every year. They are the same as always. They are getting by, Callisto's an okay leader. She spends a few days a year with Storm and the rest of the team, learning leadership stuff. I still can't imagine living like they do. We help them throughout the year but still. They don't want to come out though.

I used to go ice skating with Storm and Wolverine every Christmas Eve too. Storm and I went. We skated around holding hands and I got a bit teary. I liked when we went back inside the mall and had hot chocolate, mine with extra whipped cream.

Later in the afternoon, we all went to a Broadway show. Then it was home to the mansion for dinner and then opening presents around the tree. The tree's lights sparkled and I felt real nice.

* * *

Epilogue to be posted soon


	13. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

He sends a letter, an actual piece of snail mail. It's postmarked somewhere in Manitoba, a place called Pinawa which I'd sure never heard of.

He says he had to stay away so long because he couldn't come back until he was sure he wouldn't kill Cyclops. Then he said he had to be sure he could be in the same room with him without injuring him.

He then says that once he was sure he could do that, he didn't know if Storm and I could forgive him and that kept him away.

He left a phone number at the end of the letter.

I run to the greenhouse on the top floor, where I know Storm will be. She's there, and she's also holding a letter.

"Can you forgive him?" I ask. "Can you?" I repeat, not caring if I sound dorky and impatient.

Storm is quiet for longer than I'd like. She then says, "I can forgive him."

But there's something else in her voice. It made me think like forgiving him is maybe all she can do.

"Would you…take him back? Like get back together with him?"

I was surprised that she answered me and didn't say it was none of my business. But her answer was right to the point. "Not unless he approaches me first." And then I couldn't believe my ears when she added, "And grovels. And even then I cannot guarantee it."

I whip out my phone and start dialing the number in the letter. I don't know and it's none of my business but – but fuck it, I'm going to give Wolverine a piece of my mind and explain to him that he can grovel.

* * *

THE END

What did you think?


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